Scratches.

Here's the thing. Let's just get to this thing and then I'll explain.

I have acne scars on my face. 

That's just the way it is. I'm a redhead with very fair skin, and it has always been that any mark of any kind on my body just stays. I have scars from the chicken pox when I was five years old. I had surgery when I was eleven years old that left huge puffy scars on my ankle that didn't fully heal for years. 

But my face is different. It is the thing people look at when they talk to me. It is the one place no one wants to have scars. And yet, I am no longer a teenager and I am blessed with marks on my face. It is kind of a terrible thing. 

I don't wear makeup that often, since I spend most days taking care of my children, running errands, doing the mom thing. It's not that important. But on Sundays, I wear makeup, and I spend a little extra time to look nice. 

Josie has taken interest lately in my makeup routine. When she sees me pull down my makeup box, she will sit down in front of the mirror with me and look at every piece. Sometimes I'll put a little blush on her or spray a tiny bit of perfume for her. It's a bonding thing. I used to do it with my mom. I could peer into her world and catch her when she was sitting still in one place for more than one minute.

Josie has also taken interest lately in my acne scars. She has asked why I have scratches on my face. She'll touch my face softly with a concerned look, furrowed eyebrows. Usually I'll just say that it's okay, the scratches don't hurt and change the subject. Earlier this week, she kept asking me about it, and I was having a particularly bad day. I told her that it hurt my feelings to talk about it, because I don't like my scratches, and I didn't want to talk about it anymore. 

Today, as I was putting on my makeup, she asked me again about my scratches. Then she asked why they disappeared when i put my makeup on. I almost told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore, like I did the other day. Instead, I changed the conversation. It went something like this:

"Mommy, you have scratches on your face."

"Yes, I do."

"I can't see them with your makeup on."

"I know. But you know what? I am still beautiful with my scratches. I like my face with scratches."

"Yeah, I like it, too."

"It's okay to have scratches, Josie." 

Most women struggle with body image issues. I myself was very anorexic in junior high. I am no stranger to dangerous self hate when it comes to looks. And to be honest, most days I do not feel beautiful. But that does not matter. What matters is that I tell my daughter that I think I am beautiful. Not only does she need to know that I think that, but also that I LIKE my face the way it is. I have outlawed the words "ugly" and "fat" in our home (reading "The Ugly Duckling" gets a little difficult!). If my daughter can see that I am unhappy with how I look, what message does that send to her? Am I lying to her that I think I am beautiful? Maybe. But maybe that lie helps me a little, too. It is never a bad thing to be more self aware. 

I didn't think the conversation meant much to Josie. She ran out of the room shortly after to do something else. Tonight after dinner, she was pretending to be an ice skater. She was twirling all over the living room, delirious with laughter. She slowed down for a second and looked at her arm for a second and saw a scratch. She said very plainly:

 "I have a scratch, but I am still a great dancer."

 And then she twirled and whirled some more. 

Why do you let that old cow bother you?

Today was a hard day. I felt an enormous amount of anger. So much anger that I wanted to throw up.

Last month our landlord told us that he would not be renewing our lease on the house we were renting. We had been there almost one year (our contract ended today) and we loved it. He said we were great tenants but he wanted his daughter to move in. At first I was stressed, but realized he wasn't breaching our contract. But over the last several weeks, I have become increasingly upset about it.

I remembered that four months into our lease, he asked us if we would want to move so his son could move in.

He wanted us to maintain the lawn with his lawn mower (part of the contract) but when it wouldn't work, he said we needed to buy our own.

He wanted his daughter to be able to move things into the house before we were out.

All of that was annoying. But bearable. And then today, after an incredibly busy two weeks of packing and moving things and cleaning and paying a lot of money to move when we didn't want to and watching my girls deal with all the confusion, it got worse. My siblings came over and helped us clean all day (I had already been cleaning for a few days). We all worked so hard, were incredibly thorough. We had professional carpet cleaners come. I left feeling that we had left it in great shape. They did a walk through with Jake (the landlord and his wife) and his wife ripped Jake apart. She was disgusted at how poorly we had left the house. She said it wasn't up to her standards, that it would take her several hours to clean up what we didn't do. She said she felt uncomfortable letting anyone (her daughter?!) move in with the state it was in. She made him feel like a child. I may not be the most pristine person when it comes to cleaning, but that house looked amazing. We spent a lot of money fixing things up so it looked great. And they didn't care at all.

When Jake told me about it, it took absolutely all of my self control to refrain from writing a strongly worded text. I hate when people make me feel small, but hate it more when it is done to my husband. My emotions are already heightened with the move and with the kids being a little more emotional, as well. It is a lot to take care of.

I got in the car and called my Granny. One of the loveliest people in the whole world. Truly. I had remembered that she told us a story growing up about living on a farm with a stubborn cow that didn't like to be milked. One day the cow was being especially difficult, and one of her relatives (a cousin or her brother, I can't recall) came running into the house frustrated at the situation. My granny's mother, who I hear was also quite a fantastic lady, said, "Why do you let that old cow bother you?". And it became a saying in the family, passed down to me and my siblings. I needed to hear my granny tell me about it tonight.

When I called, she said that it's really very sad that some people don't know how to deal with other people. That they don't even realize that they are rude and condescending. That they were never taught better or they feel the need to "be the big cheese", as she put it (love that). She said I should pity people like him. That I was justified in my frustrations. But that I also know better than him, and I am in control of my own emotions and reactions.

The more she kept referring to our landlord as an old cow, the more I realized that I am so glad I didn't retaliate today. She suggested I draw a picture of a cow with a big dumb tail dragging in the dirt and imagine it's him. I love that. I love her.

And I realized that I have been feeling anger toward other things. Things that simply aren't worth my energy. People saying dumb things online, people doing things that I don't understand. Today I hit my threshold. The thermometer broke.  I realized today that my daughters need to see kindness in my actions and words. I'm sad that they heard me talking so angrily on the phone with Jake about it. I hope to exemplify love and patience. I guess this is what they call growing and learning.

On Postpartum Depression.

Since before I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I imagined having six children, I picked out their names, and I certainly had a lot of practice being a little mother to my three younger sisters. There are home videos of me guiding their play time and kindly (in my opinion) telling them how to do things. In my mind, I had everything it took to be an amazing mother. And as I grew up, I still knew this was what I wanted. More than just about anything.

When Jake and I found out we were pregnant, I started decorating the baby's room. They call it "nesting". That is exactly what it felt like. I was a mother bird preparing the perfect space for my little girl. I had matching lavender and yellow decor. I handmade most of it. I spent hours online trying to find the perfect matching bed sheets for her crib. My bags were packed for the hospital weeks in advance. I was so ready to be a mom.

Josie Lynn came to us five days late. The labor was nothing unusual. Everything went well. She was born on July 30th, 2012 at Logan Regional Hospital.

From the minute she was born, she was so incredibly alert. She didn't sleep for several hours.The nurses and Jake and our family all commented on it. After my sister and Jake's parents left (the middle of the night, since she was born late at night), she was still awake. I tried feeding her, which didn't go very well. The nurses took her for a while so I could rest. 

A couple of hours after they took her, they brought her back and had me try feeding her again. Jake and I were watching "O Brother, Where Art Thou?". I remember it all so vividly because it was the first time I realized I was completely terrified of being a mother. Of having to keep a human alive, of being responsible for helping someone grow and be happy and stop crying. Josie screamed and cried and screamed for so long that night. I had a panic attack. I broke down and sobbed to the nurses in the hospital. I felt so embarrassed. I wanted so much to keep it all together. After all, hadn't I been preparing for this my whole life? Isn't having a newborn the most wonderful thing in the world? I had imagined a sleepy little baby who would hold my finger, coo, go to sleep when I wanted her to. And here I had a baby who wouldn't eat or sleep.

I think you can see in this picture how completely overwhelmed I was.

When we got home and more family came, I felt I was putting on a happy face so everyone would know I was completely in control of the situation. I felt that since people had traveled a long way, I had to be on display as a new glowing mother. Inside, I couldn't wait for everyone to leave so I could cry. I was living in total terror. 

Josie was born right in the middle of the Summer 2012 Olympics. I had never watched Summer Olympics before, except the occasional gymnastics back in the 90s when that was really popular. But since I was up in the night feeding Josie, I could catch all the highlights and feel like I was taking part of something exciting and outside of myself. Something about happy, strong people outside in the world made me feel like I wasn't so alone in my apartment. I remember one afternoon, a couple of days after Josie was born, I was watching the Olympics and a commercial came on with a man in his 30s. I looked at the man, completely exhausted from no sleep, and thought to myself: "This guy probably has kids. He probably loves being a father. He can't be any better than me. Why can't I love being a mother? What is so wrong with me that I can't be like every functioning parent I know?". I felt so guilty for being so depressed. Those kinds of thoughts crept into my mind often. Too often. 

The room and crib that I had so thoroughly prepared for Josie was not used. For a few MONTHS. I was too afraid to put her in another room. She slept in a bassinet right by our bed until she absolutely couldn't fit. I remember on Halloween, my sisters were over and we were watching a scary movie. Jake encouraged me to put Josie down in the other room. I was terrified of not having her with me. So I worked up the courage to put her down in the bassinet... in the hallway. Close enough that I could hear any small sound she made. I didn't know then that I was still living in such fear. When she would go to sleep at night, I would lay in bed and just pray that she wouldn't wake up crying, because I couldn't handle it one more time. 

I spent most of my time inside. When babies are born, there are a lot of doctors appointments in the beginning. I was too afraid to go on my own, so Jake would come too. Every time. I was afraid that I would miss something important the doctor would say. I was afraid I had done something detrimental to our baby within a two week period, and I needed Jake there for moral support in case the doctors got upset at my parenting.

Jake coaxed me out of the house when he could. One day his high school friends came to Logan. They wanted to meet at Chick Fil A. I spent a lot of time mentally preparing myself for the possibility of Josie crying in a public place, of me not being able to keep her happy, at not being able to hold a conversation with an adult because I had fallen into some sort of mommy vortex, that she wouldn't take a bottle, that they would see me for the fraud I really was; a girl who wasn't ready for motherhood.

I spent a lot of time crying on the phone to my mom. I read a lot (a LOT) of parenting books on different methods to help your child sleep. I tried to get out of the house even though it took all my mental energy. I reached out desperately to other moms for advice. I would get one piece of advice and try it, it wouldn't work and I would cry in frustration. I just knew I was doing something wrong.

The thing about my postpartum depression is that I didn't know I was that depressed until suddenly, the light came through and I started to feel better. It wasn't a single event that led me out of the depression. Somewhere along the line, I just figured it out. And then I looked back and I saw the dark cloud I was under. And it was a shock. The other thing is that I didn't have it as bad as many other moms. I didn't have thoughts of killing myself or my baby. I am so grateful for that. 

Last month I was visiting Logan, and I drove past our old apartment where we lived during this. I sat in the parking lot of that Chick Fil A for a few minutes, to try and remember how it felt. And to see how far I had come. I felt a great weight lifted. The thing that helped me get better was realizing that living in fear is never, ever the answer. My mom, in her infinite wisdom, wrote me a letter and left it for me to find after her visit for Josie's birth. She told me to never take counsel from my fears. It took me several months to apply it, but it saved me in the end.

Our apartment.

Chick Fil A

Being a mother has fulfilled me in ways I could have never imagined. But I remember reading about postpartum depression while I was in the thick of it, reading how it gets better, and to not let it get you down. And the feeling I had was similar to an overweight person who sees someone on the other side of an amazing, transformative diet who says that if they can do it, anyone can. It was so completely unhelpful and depressing to feel like it would be better eventually, but these 20 minutes, RIGHT NOW, when my baby was crying was so incredibly real and it's what I had to deal with right then. So if anyone is reading this, and you are dealing with postpartum depression or know someone who is: I'm not going to tell you it will get better (though it will; okay I said it). I will tell you that it's hard and it's draining and the crying (both you and baby) seems to last an eternity. So just ask for help. Be selfish. Because being selfish as a new mom only really means being selfish for your baby. There is just no other time in your life like this. You are a good mother. You are. I promise.

Abbotts have top 10 lists.

Recently I saw Pretty in Pink in theaters. I was so excited, because it's been one of my very favorite movies since I was about sixteen years old. It was a fun experience, but I left feeling like a lot of the magic was gone. So I had to reevaluate what movies I still like.

I grew up in a large family. I have three older brothers and three younger sisters. We are all a little neurotic in our own way. But we have several threads that tie us together, within the fourteen year span of ages. One thing that we all seemed to do (and still do) is make mental lists of our favorite things. I think it comes from each of us wanting to define ourselves from the others, wanting to put our stamp on the things we like so that it was easier to represent who we were. The reason I even think to bring this up here is because I just told Jake I was going to blog. He asked about what, and I told him my top ten favorite movies. He chuckled and said, "That's such an Abbott thing to do". Yes, I know. It's weird. But when people ask me what my favorite movies are, I panic. I need to write it down. So here is my list, not in order. THAT is WAY too stressful, numbering things and such.

Frank


This is a fairly new addition to my top ten. As soon as I saw it, I wanted to watch it again and again. And so I have. I've seen it several times within the last year or two, and it becomes more charming every time. I love how hard Jon tries to piggyback on a weird band and totally ruins everything. I love Don's dedication to and jealousy of Frank. The music is like nothing else I've heard. Maggie Gyllenhaal is so fierce. I think what really makes this movie great is the ending. When the scene opens with Maggie Gyllenhaal's character singing "I Want to Marry a Lighthouse Keeper", you know it's gold. This is one of my new go to sick day movies.

That Thing You Do!

This one is kind of a piggyback on my brother. When he was in high school there was a short period of time when he would come home from school, get a sleeve of Chips Ahoy! and watch this movie. Like, every day. I sat with him a lot of those days and watched with him. There are so many sweet moments. The music is great, of course. The dynamic love triangle between Fay and Jimmy and Guy is the best. I have always felt so empowered by Fay in the scene where she breaks up with Jimmy. I still get chills when she says "Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight". And then at the end when Guy asks Fay the last time she was decently kissed, and she says New Years Eve several years okay, and he says "okay" and then just grabs her and kisses her? The most romantic thing ever. EVER.

Once

I guess there's a trend here. I enjoy movies with good music. This one  has the best music of any of my favorites, though. In August 2006 my mom and I drove from California to Utah State University to help me get set up for my freshman year of college. We stopped midway in the middle of Nevada somewhere. In the hotel, we looked for a movie on Pay Per View and couldn't find anything that looked interesting. We came across a movie that said something about an Irish guy finding himself again through music. We decided to give it a try. It was very candid and raw and lovely in the beginning. In the scene where "guy" and "girl" sit down at the piano shop and sing "Falling Slowly", my mom and I both got chills and teared up. It was a great experience that we shared together. I love that in the end, even though they fell in love, they both decided to stay with their significant others. They helped each other rediscover themselves through music, and then moved on. Just wonderful.

Ruby Sparks

This was another movie I just sort of stumbled upon. When it came out at Redbox, Jake and I were just browsing and thought it looked interesting but hadn't heard of it. If you haven't experienced the excellence that is Zoe Kazan, you're missing out. She wrote and starred in this with real life boyfriend Paul Dano. This movie's message is that you can't change the person you love. You have to accept them for who they are. You can only truly change yourself. I have such a crush on Zoe. I think I actually just want to BE her.

Notting Hill


I have loved Julia Roberts since forever. This movie and My Best Friend's Wedding kind of go hand in hand, but this one a little more, I guess. As gross as Hugh Grant is in real life, he owned romantic comedies in the 90s. This is a totally unrealistic situation but I just buy it completely. The awkwardness of Hugh Grant's character, from recommending travel books to an uninterested movie star to accidentally saying "Whoopsie Daisies" over and over again to interviewing from Horse and Hound, it is so endearing. And the setting in a quaint little town out of London, just romantic comedy perfection.

Say Anything...

Another piggy back on my other brother. I have a vivid memory of him deciding that this would be the last movie he watched before going on an LDS mission. He was packing his bags, ironing his white shirts and quoting along with the movie late at night. I convinced my mom to let me stay up with him since he was leaving soon. I didn't understand all the intricacies of the love story, but I fell in love with Lloyd Dobbler, in all his awkward splendor. It's something my brother and I have shared over the years, even though it really is his movie and he's generous enough to let me love it, too. It came out the year after I was born but the graduating high school class was 1988 (the year I was born). It has always been fun to see how people dressed that year. I like the idea that an average guy can be with a beautiful brainiac. The nuances of his personality, the kickboxing, his nephew, his initial fear of old people... it's one of Cameron Crowe's best.

They Came Together

Jake and I are obsessed with this movie. We have seen it so many times within a short amount of time, but we always find something new in it that makes us laugh. It is completely ridiculous and probably annoying to most people. But it has saved us on many a bad day. We quote it on a daily basis. Also, I was under the illusion that Paul Rudd was an idiot before seeing this. I was SO wrong. I like him so much. And Amy Poehler, everyone loves that lady. Michael Showalter put his mark on this one, for sure. This would be my one desert island movie. As long as Jake could be there with me.

Joe Versus the Volcano

It's so sad to me that Tom Hanks is embarrassed of this movie. It is the best of the three Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks films. This was before Tom Hanks became a big deal. I watched this movie a lot growing up when I was sick or sad. It feels like a little piece of home. Also, Meg Ryan's three characters are so fun. And "I'm not arguing that with you! I know he can get the job, but can he do the job? Harry! If I said that, I would've been wrong!". The scene when Joe finds out he has a brain cloud and hugs a dog and a small child for an uncomfortably long time. When he says "I'm losin' my sole". That weird jagged symbol that keeps showing up throughout the movie. But especially the scene shown in the picture above. I miss young Tom Hanks.

As Good As it Gets


The characters are all so interesting. Greg Kinnear is fantastic, and Helen Hunt. But Jack Nicholson is the absolute best. I think there are probably some dangerous stereotypes in this (of gay and OCD people) but I love how they all come together and then things fall apart and somehow, in the end, everyone ends up pretty happy. I have a lot of neuroses, so maybe it's that Jack Nicholson's character makes me feel a little more normal and lovable.

Matilda


I think I've seen this movie more times than any other movies. My sisters and I can quote basically the whole thing. I have loved Roald Dahl since I was very young, and Matilda is my favorite of all his books. It is literally the only movie (besides To Kill a Mockingbird) that I feel is just as good as the book. There were a lot of crap family movies made in the early 90s, but this one has held up very well over the years. Also, Mara Wilson has turned out just as Matilda probably would!



Other movies I love that I love:
(still) Pretty in Pink
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
My Best Friend's Wedding
Moonrise Kingdom
Lord of the Rings (this one should probably be on the list, but it's too overwhelming to write about)
Hello, My Name is Doris (too new to add on a permanent list)
Babe
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
It's a Wonderful Life
Mary Poppins
Rear Window
Mean Girls
Pollyanna

Zootopia's poignant political message.

Jake and I took our girls to see Zootopia tonight. I hadn't really planned on seeing it, but we were in Downtown Salt Lake and thought it might be fun to take them to a movie (Ramona has only ever been to one). When I first started seeing promos for the movie, I thought it looked totally ridiculous. The teasers put emphasis on how silly it was to anthropomorphize animals with clothing and human jobs and a conscience. What an outlandish idea, Disney! Where'd you think of that?! But it turned out to be much, much more than that.

I tend to overanalyze everything. But there were themes in this movie that were so obvious. I saw them even battling a 17 month old in the aisle. Many could argue that this is just a cartoon. Why would Disney be saying anything, when their goal is to entertain? I think Disney is a lot of things. I am appalled at their soaring Disneyland prices. They don't always represent women in a realistic way. They encourage heavy consumerism in children. BUT I do believe they realize the power they have over public thought. And that is something they take seriously. This film was released in the spring. It is not their big Summer blockbuster (Dory is up for the task this year). I think they are always in it for the money, but they can simultaneously tackle issues relevant to our time. Just look at Wall-e. Many politicians HATE that movie. Zootopia was nowhere near Wall-e status. But I will discuss a few things that I noticed. And since I am a millennial and we only have patience for the bullet point format in articles, I will try it. I bet you haven't even read these last two paragraphs, have you? You lazy friend, you.

1. The two main characters (Judy the bunny and Nick the fox) represent women and minorities.

Judy Hopps had a dream to become a cop in the big city. Everyone told her she couldn't. She made it through the police academy, got a job where she wanted, and was pushed down by the big animals who thought she was too small to do anything but give parking tickets. She started at the bottom and had to move her way to the top. She had to work harder than your average cop.
Two things said that stood out to me:
a) Judy says it's offensive when another animal (not a bunny) calls her cute. She corrects the fox when he calls her cute, saying it's okay when other bunnies do so, but it's considered rude if any other animal does.
b) "Are all bunnies bad drivers, or is it just you?". A common stereotype made toward women.

Nick the fox is labeled as a predator in the movie. A predator is any animal that historically hunts other animals, even though they are all civilized in current day. He is refused service at certain places, untrustworthy among other animals because of his "nature" and was told when he was a kid that he could never be like the "prey". He wasn't allowed to intermingle with them. There is a moment when Judy is being torn down by her boss. Nick defends her and then tells her to never let them see it affect her.

2. Affirmative action in hiring a bunny
There are several comments made about Judy being the first bunny cop to ever work in Zootopia. The only reason she was hired was because of an initiative put in place. The animals in charge hate it. But they have to do it to keep the mayor happy.

3. The population is 90% "prey" and 10% "predators", and the prey is still constantly trying to keep the predators in line with fear tactics.
There are so many quotes I wish I could find to represent what I'm saying. There was one line said by the assistant mayor (a sheep) that said that the predators threaten their very way of life because it is in their nature to hurt the majority. She continued to say they needed to  use fear to keep them in line. This is so relevant today, I don't think I need to say much more. Except that the idea that certain animals are more violent by nature is not far from what some people think of certain races, historically.

4. Gazelle the superstar is totally Beyonce!
Okay, so she is actually voiced by Shakira. And maybe this one is a little bit of a stretch. But there is a singer that everyone (prey and predators alike) IDOLIZE named Gazelle. Her dance moves are even en pointe with Beyonce. The reason this matters (especially since the Super Bowl "fiasco", which Disney could not have predicted while making this movie) is that when news comes out that Predators might be more dangerous than previously thought, Gazelle holds a press conference saying that predators and prey can and should live in peace together. Beyonce has been a huge advocate for racial equality. I'm just saying.

5. Different districts for different animals.
This one seems obvious to make the film work. A mouse cannot live in the same area as an elephant, for safety reasons. But they take it further than that, referring to the rainforest district, the tundra district, there's an incident in the district where small critters live... and each district runs well on it's own, without others interfering. Certain animals belong in certain places, and there should be no crossover to keep things running smoothly. I suppose it's akin to the Bronx vs. Queens vs. Upper East Side of Manhattan.


There really is much more I'd like to say, but out of context of the film, it's a little more difficult. I really encourage everyone to see this. The overall message is that no matter the background, you can be who you want to be. It's a great message for kids, and a good reminder for adults.

The descent of Gwen Stefani and my accompanied disappointment.

I know blogging is sort of 2010. Or maybe 2009. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I have decided that when my facebook posts consistently have the "continue reading" option, it's probably time I had a separate place to write. This way I won't be self conscious that I'm over posting. That's definitely a thing I feel, especially since I am constantly taking pictures of my two girls. I used to write for therapeutic reasons, and I think I've come full circle in many ways, finding it useful to do so again.

So here is my first thought. It's about one of my favorite music groups ever, No Doubt.

Last week, the band announced that they would be continuing as a group, replacing Gwen Stefani with AFI frontman Davey Havok. Now, to be more clear, Gwen has said they aren't really replacing her, they're creating a "super group" punk band. But, if we're being honest, it's everyone in the band, minus her, adding a new guy. So for the sake of this post, let's just see through this "super group side project" garbage and get to the heart of things.

First, let me begin by saying that when Tragic Kingdom came out, I was really pretty young. I picked up on them a couple years after the album was released because my brother listened to them. And I idolized his taste in music. I remember walking in to see him watching the music video for "Spiderwebs" and being totally entranced by Gwen.

She was fierce in a way that hit right to the core. To me, she was a woman doing a man's job. That sounds sexist, but let me explain. This was around the time boy bands and girl bands were beginning to surface. I loved Spice Girls, dabbled in some B*Witched, and appreciated all the major girl singers (Britney, Mandy, Christina, etc). I could tell that this band wasn't created with the thought, "Let's have a girl sing" (and reading about this history of the band later, I found this to be true). I don't mean to belittle the existence of other bands with a female lead (Garbage, Cranberries, Cardigans). But I think it's fair to say Gwen had a certain unapologetic personality and style, a very different kind of voice, an edge. She was simply herself.

So, I held on to this band and made them my own. I got into their freshman self titled album. I thought I was super cool because I had a corner on the ska market in my group of friends (not really; I only got into a handful of ska bands). Gwen continued to be just another member of No Doubt. 

In 2000, No Doubt released their album Return of Saturn. I got it for my birthday that year and wore it out. It is one of my very favorite albums to this day.

There is something about this album that makes me feel so much. I wish I could explain it better. I was too young to understand the complexities of love, of heartbreak, of wanting to be with someone so much that you can't stand it. But I could feel that Gwen was sincere. So I clung to it and felt like I had opened up a small portal into adulthood, snuck in, and closed the door behind me. It felt like mine.

Gwen's style changed. But it was still funky. I loved it even more. 

I could go on about the intricacies of the album, but I'm already getting side tracked. 

It's hard to believe, but their next (and last good) album came out only a year and a half later, in 2001. This is where I started to see a turn in Gwen. The music was still good, but the synthesizers were more prominent, there were R&B guest singers on a few tracks, and press for the band put the focus more on Gwen. The subject matter became more about dancing in the club. I still embraced it. In fact my first concert ever was No Doubt touring this album. My dad took my friend Katelyn and I. It was a great show. 

Gwen's image quickly evolved. She couldn't be more clear about it, as one of the tracks of the album is called "Platinum Blonde Life". No more pink or blue.

She began making covers of magazines. This was one I had on my wall. Suddenly red and white striped shirts were everywhere.

In 2004 she released her first solo album. 

This is when Gwen began breaking my heart. This album became so popular, and she had reinvented herself. I felt suddenly that I had to share her with the crowd that only listened to singles on the radio. This little corner of my musical taste had suddenly been compromised, and I felt a strange sense of betrayal from her. She went on to release another album that did even better the year I graduated high school. The fanfare of it all, the gaudy music videos, it made me sick.

Then she disappeared for a little while. In 2012, No Doubt released an album. I had such high hopes. But it was a mess. Earlier this year she released another solo album. But the thing that really changed her image permanently was her new gig on The Voice.

After joining The Voice, she gained a huge fan base. She began dating fellow Voice judge Blake Shelton. You can see them all over the tabloids now. Gwen has now become more than a singer. She is a celebrity.

It really only makes sense that the other three members of No Doubt would move on without her. I am happy that they were strong enough to stay together. That is the good news. I never really cared for AFI (one of my ex boyfriends was annoyingly obsessed with them). But I will probably listen to the music they make, just to support them. This also brings me back to the point that Gwen was never just a pretty face for the band. They were a group that could go on with or without her. And that is pretty neat.

The point I really want to end on is this: Why do we feel we can stake claim on how a celebrity lives their life? It's not fair of me to be disappointed in her. I think in the case of musicians especially, fans take it so personally when they change their sound, their image, their target audience. But why is that so wrong? If Gwen Stefani is happy dating a country singer and looking beautiful on cable television, why should I care?